Originally posted 6/11/24
I would guess that there is not one person who has lived a life free from hurt. We say and do things without thinking which often hurts people. So many of us can do this without realizing it. I am one of those people who is not easily hurt. I was raised in a home where sarcasm was a food group. It was never malicious, but always present. We learned early how to dish it out and take it as if it were second nature. Most of my uncles teased me nonstop. My brother and I constantly banter back and forth even today. A sensitive soul probably would not have been happy in my family. I also married someone who is not sensitive and often says dumb stuff. Since I am not extremely sensitive, I have to make a point to remember that not everyone is like me. Because of how I was raised, I have to be careful that I do not say or do things that accidentally offend or hurt someone.
There are all kinds of hurt. I am not talking about abusive behavior. If you have experienced some type of abusive behavior in the church or anywhere else, please seek help from a professional. I am talking about things that hurt our feelings.
Church hurt seems to catch us all off guard. I am not sure why it catches us by surprise. Are we expecting people to behave better? Do we expect people in the church to be perfect? Society has made Christians believe that we must be perfect. Since we are not perfect, we are dismissed. We are also quickly called judgmental when we say things to people about their behavior. Let’s accept the most important fact–Jesus was the only perfect person to ever walk this earth. There will never be another until Jesus returns.
Many people are hurt by fellow Christians either intentionally or unintentionally. According to the Barna Group, “Based on past studies of those who avoid Christian churches, one of the driving forces behind such behavior is the painful experiences endured within the local church context. One Barna study among unchurched adults shows that nearly four out of every ten non-churchgoing Americans (37%) said they avoid churches because of negative past experiences in churches or with church people.” https://www.barna.com/research/millions-of-unchurched-adults-are-christians-hurt-by-churches-but-can-be-healed-of-the-pain/
How does this happen? First and foremost, churches are full of sinful people. Becoming a Christian does not mean that we will never do or say things we shouldn’t. We should be sinning less often in our quest to become more like Christ. We are all in different spots in our journey. , If we say we are completely free of sin, then that is simply not true.
I saw a post on Facebook recently about how people return to their favorite fast food restaurant even though previous orders have been filled incorrectly. My husband recently went to get us ice cream at my favorite fast-food restaurant. When he handed it to me, I quickly recognized that it was not what I sent him to purchase. He assured me that he ordered it correctly. Of course, he did–I always order the same thing. I have received incorrect orders before with my ice cream, yet I still go there and order ice cream. Should I never return to that restaurant because a mistake was made? Should I just go to the restaurant down the street?
We are humans and we make mistakes. However, we seem to give our fellow Christians less grace than our fast-food employees. We get our feelings hurt and we never return to that church. Are we being corrected and just don’t like it? Are we being corrected in love? Are we being corrected without love? Are we looking for the perfect church? Are our expectations just too high? I have always been told that if you find the perfect church, you should not join it because it won’t be perfect anymore.
God knew what a battle we were going to have with the spoken word. Man has proven through history that conflict between people is inevitable. It all boils down to our sinful nature. We see; we want; and we take. In this case–we think it, we say and/or do things with little thought to how it might affect someone else. I’ve been learning the same lesson over and over–not every thought must be spoken.
So we are imperfect people, should we just give up? Conflict is most certain to come when people gather. Scripture has some good advice on how to deal with conflict. I cannot stress how important it is to go to the person who has said or done something to offend you. We read in Matthew 18:15-17, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
The thought of talking to someone who hurt you can be terrifying. It makes us vulnerable and requires us to be loving and open with someone we probably would rather not talk to at all. It’s easier to remain hurt and stew in our own juices. God knew that we were going to have trouble. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Why are we commanded to get rid of all the bitterness and hurt? It damages us, not the person who hurt us. Few churches follow this BIblical plan for conflict from start to finish. Our pride takes a hit if we have to apologize. Honestly, our pride takes a hit if we have to acknowledge our hurt. Forgiving people does not mean that the relationship can or should resume to previous levels. You can forgive a person even if the relationship is not fully restored.
Most issues can be solved by both parties humbling themselves and listening to each other. Both sides require being humble. Pride and arrogance will only make the situation worse. Many relationships have been ruined over letting hurt fester. Begin with prayer and ask God for the grace to either forgive or be forgiven. Ask God for wisdom as to how to respond. He will direct you. Most issues can be solved by both parties humbling themselves and listening to each other. Both sides require being humble. Pride and arrogance will only make the situation worse. Many relationships have been ruined over letting hurt fester. Begin with prayer always seeking the Lord’s guidance. You need to ask yourself if the issue really matters. Will I remember it in five years? Does it hamper my walk with the Lord? Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” However, this passage is not suggesting that we ignore potential conflict. We need to discern whether we should address it or not. Sometimes it is important to address the conflict.
Many times I feel like to I need to plaster this verse everywhere: Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
One of my favorite passages is James 1:19, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” I am learning to do this better. I am a long way from mastering this, but I am better than I used to be. How are you doing? Have you hurt someone’s feelings and you need to go and apologize? Have you been hurt? If so, take care of it immediately. Do not let it fester. Grant each other some grace.
#faith, #Bible, #Scriptures, #Christian Women, #Discipleship, #conflict